The five weirdest car websites on the internet
Okay, so we know there are plenty of weird cars out there, and more than a few weird people. Plus the internet is packed full of weirdness, so what happens when all three of these things collide?
That’s easy - you get this week’s Thursday Five dedicated to the five weirdest car websites on the internet!
The bizarre seizure-inducing explosion of colour, animated gifs and startling self-promotion is actually a website for a remarkably successful car leasing business run by the website’s star Ling Valentine.
On one of the websites flashing, disorientating pages Ling says about herself: “I'm Chinese, from Chengdu in the People's Republic. I married Jon Valentine in 1997 in Helsinki. I was in Finland doing a Master's degree (in Finnish!!!), when I met Jon. He's English. He said Valentine is a Scottish-Jewish name, but he's from Yorkshire. He talks rubbish...”
Ling rose to fame when she appeared on the UK show “Dragon’s Den” and became one of the few people to turn down an investment offer because she didn’t believe they were offering enough. Her appearance now appears on her website along with man, many other seemingly random things that amuse Ling.
Plus there is the whole business thing - yep, beneath all that flashing and blinking (the sheer processing load it takes to load the website is said to easily crash older computers) is a successful leasing business that shifted more than £35 million (NZ$80 million) worth of cars in 2008!
Weird and slightly creepy, the central theme behind CARSTUCKGIRLS.COM is in its title - it sells videos and photos of scantily clad women getting their cars stuck and then trying to get them out again.
Yes, apparently some people enjoy that sort of thing.
While the pics and vids on the website are all suitable for work (there is no nudity, but quite a few leery shots of certain body parts, but nothing worse than your average Michael Bay movie...), people WILL still think you are very strange.
The average video starts off with an attractive young lady driving a car (or 4WD) on either grass, mud, snow or sand before surprisingly getting stuck. Cue lots of revving (close up foot shots, always in high heels), before they give up and try pushing it out (the leery Michael Bay shots of legs, bottoms and other tightly clad bits...). And that’s about it. Except occasionally things descend into a fight that turns into mud wrestling.
To be honest, we have all been there though; a happy day out in the car descends into a full-on sexy wrestling match in the mud...
The actual website is fairly standard car manufacturer stuff, but click in the “Forgotten Roadtrip” link on the main page and prepare to descend into the very depths of weirdness.
The road trip is an interactive story involving an impossibly handsome hero who wakes up in the desert with no memory and only a Mercedes GLA, and you must help him unravel the mystery that led him there.
What follows is a David Lynch-esque romp through ominous music, dark images and a growing sense of dread until you realise that the guy is just a dick who stole another guy’s finance, sold the engagement ring and went on a bender with her and the money!
Its okay though, because after the “evil” finance punches him out and leaves him in the desert, they do end up together and then find out that the Mercedes is only on test drive. But they have a buttload of cash in the back, so it is all fine.
The moral of the story, we guess, is that if you are an immoral tool who steals another man’s finance, sell her engagement ring and almost steal a Mercedes (seriously, that dealer must be the most understanding and laid back car salesman on the planet - “only two days? He’ll be back soon...”), things will work out fine for you in the end!
This website isn’t exactly weird in itself, but the story behind it is!
The first thing you will notice about it is that it is NOT the website for Nissan cars in the USA, it is in fact the website for a small company that provides sales and service for computers, servers and parts.
The next thing you will notice is the flashing link “Nissan Motor’s Lawsuit Against Us!”.
It seems that in 1994 a bloke with the improbably awesome name of Uzi Nissan registered the domain name www.nissan.com for his company the Nissan Computer Corporation, but then five years late the car company with the same name decided it needed a website.
What followed was a misguided attempt to bully the little guy out of a domain name that was also his own surname. Nissan Motors even tried to claim Uzi was cyber squatting, despite the fact he had several companies using the Nissan name, starting out back when Nissan Motors was still known as Datsun.
Needless to say the courts sided with Uzi Nissan and Nissan Motors was forced to settle for the www.nissanusa.com domain. Needless to say Nissan uses the extra traffic he now no doubt gets to tell his story, sell advertising, oh and that’s right, sell computers and parts.
Along the lines of the weird CARSTUCKGIRLS.COM, just WAY more specific, this website is dedicated to that sexiest of things - women pumping the gas pedal to try and start a car...
That’s it. Just like CARSTUCKGIRLS.COM it is all eminently suitable for work, with no nudity - just lots and lots of feet pumping gas pedals like they think it is a pedal car and failing miserably to get it started. Most likely because the excessive pumping has almost certainly flooded most of the older cars that are featured...
Seriously, this is a thing and you can even subscribe to it and request custom-made videos. Got a thing for stiletto heels and vintage Mustangs? They will sort you out.
Personally we were tempted to sign up and see if they could manage to do one of a Westie chick with a few prison tattoos wearing jandals trying to start a clapped out VB Commodore in a Warehouse carpark while opening a bottle of Woodstock with her few remaining teeth...